To Whom It May Concern, Here Come The Heathens
God says to an angel, âIâm gonna take a nap; make sure the sun doesnât turn blue when it rises.â
And the angel looks all heavenly, effervescent, and confused and says, âWhy, my lord? Wouldnât they love to see proof of your ability and wonder?â
âNo, they wouldnât.â
âWhy not, my lord?â
âBecause faith is about blindly reaching into a hole. Itâs about fingers stretched through the darkness, exploring the things we are too afraid to see.â
âI do not understand, my lord.â
And God said, âThey could search for me for a thousand years, and sure, some might hate it, but many will find fulfillment in the search. But, the moment they found me, they would all be scared shitless. And then so would I.â
The Angel stared in shock and confusion.
God saw this and added, âWhen a person finds faith, it can stir them to greater heights. When they lose faith, it is like the world cracks beneath their feet. Finding evidence of faith, finding it to be tangible, makes it too real. If something is real, then it can be broken and will inevitably be found wanting. And that thought stirs up a deep, terrible fear.â
* * *
âBeer?â
âYeah, Iâll have a beer.â
A guy with brown hair, brown eyes, and a soul patch popped the cap off a longneck bottle and passed it along to a tall, heavyset guy lounging on a dingy blue couch. Victor Kelly, the one with the soul patch, combed his long, scruffy hair out of his eyes and then grabbed himself another beer.
âI canât believe youâve never seen this movie, Scott,â Victor said, plopping down on the other end of the couch. He turned his attention to a wide-screen TV positioned somewhat haphazardly on a beat-up old wooden cabinet across the room from the two boys.
âI can believe youâve seen it,â Scott replied. He sipped on his beer, staring intently. âYouâve seen every movie, Victor.â
âI have, and Iâll tell you what I donât like about it.â
âWhat?! You? Dislike? Something?â Scott said mockingly, pitching his voice up from his usually low timbre to a higher tone.
Victor was unperturbed by his roommate. âFuckinâ zoos, man. They are the worst kind of capitalism.â
âHere we go again,â Scott interrupted.
Victor steamed on. âThey say, âHey, peasant, we are going to charge you moneyâcharge you out the ass, that isâto come watch us treat animals shitty for your entertainment. And itâs not like we have any fucking right to these animals. We just got our hands on them. Just like we got our hands on you.â
âThatâs capitalism, man.â
âYou are fucking right. Itâs capitalism! Thatâs the Goddamn problem!â
âAs an atheist, arenât you pretty much banned from invoking God in any way, including but not limited to saying God damned something?â Scott said snidely. He was starting to frown. Victor was going off on yet another rant, and Scott was all out of patience for it.
âIâm allowed to do whatever I want. We all are. Thatâs the fucking point!â Victor declared as the front door swung open and closed with a thud.
âWhatâs the fucking point, Vic?â a new arrival asked, tossing a leather coat onto a hand-painted purple shelf by the front door. He had a big smile on his narrow face. His black hair was gelled back.
Scott glanced up at the newcomer. âMr. Levi,â he said, in the same mocking tone as earlier. âPaint any masterpieces?â
âMr. Cantor,â the newcomer replied, walking across the room and helping himself to a beer. âLifeâs been busy.â
âWhy are you all dressed up, J?â Victor asked. He was eyeing the new arrivalâs blue and white button-up shirt, light brown dress pants, and brown leather shoes.
Before the new arrival could respond, Scott changed the subject with a question of his own. âJesse, whereâs Wendy?â
âAt my parentsâ house, er, our house, I guess. In her office. She wanted to get some work done after the service,â Jesse replied. Scott got a strange look on his face and fell silent.
Victor took advantage of the silence to retake control of the conversation. âYou know, Jesse, dressed like that, you look like a finance bro.â
Jesse shook his head and gave a halfhearted chuckle. âI am a finance bro at this pointââ
âNo! You know what you look like?â Victor interrupted. âYou look like the enemy!â
Jesse sighed and lowered his eyes for a moment. Then he mustered up another chuckle and said, âI guess I am your enemy, Vic. I spent 4 years and a shit ton of money trying to become it. If I ever actually land a job, the transformation will be complete.â
âNah, nah, no, not my enemy, Jesse. You look like your own enemy.â
Jesseâs eyes fell to the floor again. The briefest look of pain or disappointment flicked across his face. Then he turned his attention to the TV âSo, what movie are you watching?â
âWe Bought A Zoo,â Scott answered.
âLucky you,â Jesse joked. âIs that Matt Damon?â He sat down beside Victor and Scott. âAlso, how much does a zoo cost exactly?â
Victor shook his head and laughed. âJust like a finance bro to jump to money.â
âAnd itâs just like you to take cheap shots at the idea of wealth,â Scott sniped.
âItâs not my fault greed has corrupted our society,â Victor responded with a contempt filled snort.
âYou know, Victor⊠No one wants to focus on money. Itâs⊠itâs just a hard thing to live without. We all need to worry about it. We all need to worry about if we can provide for people,â Jesse responded. He was staring at the ground as he did so.
Victor scoffed. âNah, you choose to worry yourself over money. You choose to use the whole provider thing as an excuse to tie your salary to your self-worth. Everyone does. Thatâs the difference between us. Iâm forced to live in this capitalist society, but I lost faith in said society a long time ago.â Victor rattled off his tired old lines while staring intently at the TV. Afterwards, he stole a glance at the others to gauge their reaction. Jesse had a hurt look on his face.
âFor the record I didnât meanââ Victor started to say but was quickly cut off by a loud cough from Scott.
âJust let me watch the movie, man.â Scott said. Victor fell silent for a few minutes.
The movie dragged on. At one point, Scott laughed at the screen. âDamonâs character is so unbelievable.â
âActually this scene is the one thing you guys could learn from this movie.â Victor said. â20 seconds of courage. Thatâs right. So many more people need 20 seconds of courage. You two need 20 seconds of insane courage.â
âWhy?â Scott questioned. âWhat would be the point?â
âWhy? Fuck Scott, you need it more than anybody with an attitude like that.â
âVic.â Scott exhaled in frustration. âHeâs saying to get the girl, to get love, you need 20 seconds of insane courage. You know what another word for that is? Stupidity.â
âHere we go again.â Jesse said, and with that, Scott turned on Jesse.
âO.K., Jesse. You and your girlfriend live in your parentsâ 2-bedroom house. What room is Wendyâs office in?â
Jesse hesitated for a moment, knowing what was coming next. âThe studio.â
âYou mean your old art studio? In the basement? The one you spent half of high school building? Where do you do your painting now, J?â Scottâs voice had taken on a sharp, almost angry, edge.
âScottâŠcompromise is part of any relationship.â
âHeâs right, Scott,â Victor interjected.
âThatâs the problem. You always compromise; you always give up bits of yourself. And you always get your heart broken in the end. Thatâs love.â
âNo, Scott. Love isâŠâ Jesse paused, searching for the right words. âIt means you are willing to believe that it will be worth it.â
âLook around, J. Belief doesnât exactly get rewarded these days,â Scott replied bitterly.
âHoly Shit!â Vic shouted. Heâd pulled his phone out to scroll idly. âDid you guys hear itâs the rapture?â
The three 22-year-olds spent the next 10 minutes scrolling on their phones, laughing at posts and articles about how people were selling their cars and quitting their jobs in anticipation of the world ending.
âWhatâs the Feast of the Trumpets?â Victor wondered aloud.
âRosh Hashanah.â Scott and Jesse said in unison. Then Scott muttered, âSee what faith gets you.â He got up from the couch and marched out of the room sullenly.
Victor looked at Jesse in confusion.
âHeâs⊠had a hard time of it lately. Youâve got to understand. Scottâs faith mattered a lot to him growing up. With everything Israel has done⊠It kind of broke his heart.â
âYou havenât lost faith. You were at Rosh Hashanah just earlier tonight, right?â Victor pointed out.
âYeah⊠but thatâs me. The actions of one country have nothing to do with my relationship with God. Itâs its own thing.â
âIs it?â
âWhat do you mean?â
Victor hesitated, for once in his life weighing his words carefully. âScott had a point. You seem consumedâŠactually, fuckâŠnever mind.â
Jesse felt his face get hot. âSay it. Say it!â
âFine⊠You donât dress like you. You gave up your art to focus onâŠâ
âOn getting a job! On supporting my partner!â Jesse said, launching to his feet.
âOkay. Okay. Sorry.â Victor hung his head low. Jesse sat back down on the couch and slumped backwards.
For a few minutes they just watched the movie in silence, then Scott re-entered the room. He had put on a puffy blue and grey jacket. âIâm getting some fresh air. Going for a walk⊠you guys want to come?â
Victor said âsureâ in a subdued, embarrassed voice. Jesse nodded his agreement.
It was a foggy night. The 3 friends walked around the college neighborhood, passed the local football stadium, and over a footbridge that spanned a creek.
At some point, Scott broke the silence. âI heard you earlier.â
âWhat?â Jesse said.
âItâs not as simple as you made it. ItâŠâ Scott stopped and faced Jesse and Victor. His eyes were teary. âWe are⊠Weâre asked to believe in something. Every day of our lives. They say if we believe in this thing, it will take care of us. God will take care of us. Look at them. Look at what they are doing. Kids are starving. People are dyingâŠ. Look at what God is letting them do.â
âFuckinâ hell youâre fuckinâ right!â Victor said.
âNot now, Vic.â Jesse chided.
âNo! Heâs fucking right. I mean, I never believed in God, but Jesus Christ, if God is real⊠I mean, just think about all the shit that has been done in his name. The shit he has allowed to happen. It is fucking heartbreaking! Iâd honestly rather go to hell than believe in a God like that.â
âOf course it is heartbreaking. Itâs a genocide.â Jesse said. âI never⊠I wasnât saying itâs not.â
Scott shook his head violently. âNo, but you said itâs about having a relationship with God and not the country. Itâs not about the fucking country.â
Victor jumped in again to add, âObviously not all the Jewish people of the world are responsible for one countryâs actions. Most of the people of a country arenât responsible for their governmentâs actions. The people who think differently are just⊠morons blinding themselves. Fuckinâ morons.â
Scott nodded. âObviously Vicâs right⊠but there is⊠the fact is that the Jewish communityâŠ.â He turned to Jesse and stared at him. âOur community! Our communityâŠ. we have a responsibility to say this isnât what we fucking stand for. This isnât fucking ok. Cause our community taught us what to believe. They told us what was right and what was fucking wrong! And we all know this is fucking wrong. So yeah, itâs fucked up of God to let this happen, and itâs fucked up of our community, you and me included, to let this happen. These were the things that I believed in! These were the people, the ideas, and the connections that I had faith in. How can I now? How⊠fuck!â The tears had started to stream down Scottâs face. He shuddered, and a sob escaped his lips.
Jesseâs eyes took on a deeply compassionate look. âAnd so you are heartbroken.â He said softly.
Scott, trying to stifle his crying, nodded. He took a couple of long, deep breaths and said shakily, âYeah, so maybe I am heartbroken. I guess youâre right.â Scott brought his arm up to his eyes, wiped away his tears, and then turned away from his two friends. The trio continued walking. Scott was a little ways in front, almost completely shrouded in the gray September fog.
Jesse found himself side by side with Victor. After walking for about ten or twenty feet in the still silence of the night, Jesse finally worked up the nerve to ask, âVictorâŠVic⊠What did you mean back at the apartment? Am I really⊠Do you really think Iâm losing myself?â
Victor was silent for a while. He opened his mouth a couple times and then closed it. Eventually he said, âLook, Jesse, I can be a real asshole sometimes. I know that. I didnât mean toâŠâ
Jesse stopped and lightly touched Victorâs arm. âItâs okay. Really. Please, just⊠I need to hear this, I think.â
Victor sighed. âItâs like you said. You went to school for four years. You put in a lot of work. Spent a lot of money. You have been back for, what, three and a half months? You spent all summer searching for a job. You live in your parentsâ house with your⊠with Wendy. And sheâs great. Honestly. But, it just seems like there is no space left for you.â
âI donât want to let her down.â Jesse said. Then, again, in a quiet whisper, âI donât want to let her down.â
âI know.â
âBut youâre right. I donât feel like myself anymore. I went to Rosh Hashanah today, and I do believe. It is about my relationship with God; I meant that. But⊠I wonder if I went more for her than anything. And I should be thrilled to get to be that. To get to do things for her, to get to go places for her.â
âBut what about the things you need to do for yourself?â
Jesseâs jaw tightened. He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his black leather coat. âI donât know. I just donât know. Damn it. I know what I need to be⊠I mean⊠I think I know. I need to provide. I need to take care of her. I mean, I look at my dad. I wake up every day, and he is already awake. He has fed the dogs and the cats and even the goddamned fish. He has the house in order. And he is already leaving to go to work. And then he comes home, and he takes care of everything: my mom, the house, and the dogs, the whole fucking lot. Even me. Even my girlfriend. He is the provider for us all; he is what we all need him to be. And he is that day after day after day. I should want to be like that. But⊠but all I can think about is how he must live the same day over and over, never changing, neverâŠâ
âNever living for himself?â Victor offered.
âI just donât know if I can be that. She deserves that. But I donâtâŠâ
âMaybe you can. Seriously, J, maybe you can. You just need to⊠do it your way.â
The two locked eyes. Jesse was too afraid to ask his next question. Victor answered it anyway.
âWhat if you forgot the finance bro lifestyle? What if instead of giving up your identity to be a provider you⊠I mean I dunnoâ when was the last time you painted?â
âIâve been too busy. Too busy looking for a job.â
âWhat if, J, what if you did it your way? Be a provider your way, I mean. Be a provider by doing something you actually want. I mean, hell, do you even want to work in finance? Trading stocks and cold calling?â
Jesse shook his head silently.
âSo why not make living as a painter?â Victor demanded. âItâs what youâve always wanted!â
âI donât⊠I donât think I can. I donât think I am good enough to be⊠I mean, how could an artist support her needs? How could I provide for her?â
Suddenly Scott called out from somewhere far away. The fog had condensed around Jesse and Victor, obscuring their vision. Victor shouted Scottâs name. After a few moments Scott came jogging out of the mist.
âI got a little lost,â he said quietly.
A strange smile crept onto Victorâs face. âI think we all have.â
Scott looked from Victor to Jesse, studying both boysâ faces. âSo what are you two talking about?â he said simply. There was something shy in the tone of his voice.
Victor responded. âScott, tell Jesse he is an idiot. I mean, he, Jesse Levi, our friend, thinks he isnât good enough. Doesnât believe enough in himself.â
Scott turned to Jesse, gazing at him intently. âYou fucking shmuck.â
Something about Scottâs abrupt response made the three friends burst out laughing. âYou know what⊠fuck it. If it is the rapture, I say we all get fucking drunk,â Scott declared.
Victor turned to Jesse. âRapture party?â
Jesse nodded and started to smile. âRapture party.â His shoulders started to relax a little. Scott noticed that it looked like a thousand-pound weight was slowly lifting off his friendâs shoulders. The three resolved to hit the nearest grocery store in search of a bottle of bourbon.
Along the way Victor started another monologue. âYou know what, I was right earlier. I mean⊠fuck, I really was.â
âHere we go again,â Jesse and Scott said in unison. They both smiled.
Victor carried on. âIf you two just had some insane courage. Some insane stupidity, as some might call it, you would be far better off. I mean, I swear, if some people just had as much faith in themselves as they do in other things⊠my god, they would see what they are capable of. They wouldnât need to worry so damn much about getting heartbroken, cause they would know that they could get shattered again and again and still survive, still keep walking tall. And they would dare to dream! Not about living up to their father orâŠor even God. No! They would dream about living up to themselves, to their own potential. If they just believed in themselves⊠I mean if we just believed in ourselves! But⊠but we just donât. Why donât we?â
Scott bobbed his head in agreement and added, âItâs like we are not taught to. Or maybe even taught not to. Itâs like life encourages us not to. I mean⊠you used to be a straight up patriotic democrat. Now you canât trust any kind of government.â
âSome men just want to watch the world burn,â Victor joked. Jesse laughed.
âYeah but itâs more than that,â Scott continued. âI mean⊠look at the world our generation has inherited. Itâs like we are kids having a meltdown, terrified over what is going on around us, and instead of comforting us, our parents are just standing there arguing⊠blaming it on each other.â
Jesse chimed in âScott is right. I mean our elders, our community, they raise us to believe in right and wrong, and to believe in hope, and even to believe in ourselves, but then they just throw it all out the window instead of living by example.â
Jesse gave Scott a sad smile. âYeah itâs like they lose faith in themselves and all the things they taught us and then we are left to just pick up the pieces. So how can we have faith in ourselves when the people who taught us to believe canât seem to keep doing it?â
Victor was silent for a long while and then finally agreed. âYou guys are right. I mean⊠It is like we are all heartbroken. I certainly⊠I think I used to be an optimist, but then this world shattered my faith one too many times.â
âFuck it though. Maybe Vicâs right.â Jesse said. He stopped walking and stared up at the sky. By this point the fog was starting to burn off, revealing far away stars. âItâs⊠you know it is a terrifying thing⊠not knowing what to believe in anymore⊠Itâs nauseating. When your faith gets broken. I mean just the thought of it being breakable.. Itâs deep and itâs terrifying. It is the kind of fear you donât know what to do with.â
âThe kind of fear to make God scared shitless.â Victor said.
âBut, fuck it right?â Jesse paused and then shouted at the top of his lungs âFuck it!â Scott and Victor started howling with laughter. Once they stopped, Jesse continued âSeriously, Vic was right. We just need to believe in ourselves. Have faith in us!â
âCause the rest of it is gonna be broken.â Scott said.
âCause the rest of it is going to be fucking broken!â Victor echoed.
âMaybeâŠ. maybe itâs inevitable,â Jesse stopped to once again stare up at the stars. âNo matter what your faith is always, inevitably, going to crack and that just leaves youâŠ. it leaves you and the hole from where the faith was. So you turn to yourself to fill that hole.â
âI like that,â Scott responded. âIf the world and God are going to let us down⊠well fuck them! Iâll be what I need!â
âWeâll be our own gods!â Victor shouted. âHell yeah!â
âHell yeah!â Scott and Jesse said between bouts of laughter.
The three men walked on, laughing their way through the night.