What I'm avoiding
June 28 -
I have become absolutely band-wagon obsessed with the world cup, to the detriment of many other things in my life, like planning for my trip. I even paid for a 3 month subscription to TSN, so I can watch all of the games whenever I want. The story of Capo Verde has been gladdening my heart; I even cried when they found out that they'd made it to the round of 32. What an unbelievable story. Coming from such a small country, playing their hearts out to a draw on each game so they made it through to the knockout rounds. They might not make it through that - honestly, Canada might not either up against South Africa, also a country who has never made it to the knockout rounds - but they will be seen as heroes to their country in a way that I'm not sure people in North America really understand. Maybe the same way if Canada made it to the semi-finals or finals in some kind of fluke, we would know their names forever, but Vozinha the goalkeeper will be remembered forever for his formidable blocking and world-class stoppages. All at the age of 40! My kind of guy.
Just over 2 months to go. There are so many things to do, none of which feel urgent in any way. I'm currently dog-sitting, doing none of the life-packing-related things I'd promised myself I would do this weekend. Sometimes I wonder at myself, is this on purpose, or an I just getting tired again? I keep forgetting what I'm in the middle of, or (more concernedly), where I am going while I'm driving. Hopefully I'll get some blood work done before I go and clear some of these pesky symptoms up. I am assuming it's a simple case of bottomed-out anemia and B12 below average, like last time I felt like this.
In the meantime, I need to actually organize my life a bit more. I have a place to stay for 4 weeks to start, and have some Spanish lessons planned. I need to purchase health insurance. I have to find a storage locker unit to rent. I have to get rid of my bed frame, kitchen table, and portable AC. I have more books to unload on to the bookstores.
Before all that, I travel to Europe (please please please let the heat wave have passed) for a week. I am looking forward to the coursework and learning, less-so to the unbearable exhaustion that I imagine I will be feeling with jet-lag and this current constant dragging fatigue.
Today I visited M and E, whom I haven't seen in a few weeks. Just two weeks absence and E looks different! Not only some top teeth to give his grin an even cheekier, more gamine quality, but the shape of his face, the intention of the interactions, and the immediate tears at the failure of expectations. He's growing up. I had a realization of the things I would missing by going away. I've been so focused on what I might gain, I haven't given any thought to what I am going to miss. My parents are older, though still in fine health - but anything can happen. My nephew is also growing up, and I see him so little anyway. The people I love will also change, and grow, and have experiences without me.
June 29
Sometimes the fear creeps in. I have a really good, simple, comfortable life. I don't do too much, but every day is full. isn't that what people yearn for these days? I don't have too much on my plate; I am rarely disturbed. My life is in more harmony than disharmony. I live in an incredibly safe city, and have an incredibly safe life. Should I really shake things up by going away again? What am I trying to prove? I don't think I'm trying to prove anything, or if I am, I haven't admitted it to myself. So why am I going?
To be honest, I'm struggling to really frame what this year away is, other than just, away. As far away from work as I can get. But, like, how far is that? Is there anywhere in this world that can be far enough away from a place that has defined my sense of self for 13 years? Again, perhaps I am just tired.
You hear about the post-Olympic blues, where athletes struggle to go back to a normal life after years of dedication, stress, struggle, and cortisol. Working in a hospital is kind of the same (without the great physicality and incredible ability to focus). I worry that I'll be struck down by leisure sickness immediately after leaving town, and that will kick off months of apathy. I don't want to waste months on feeling like crap. I only have a finite amount of time on this earth, I want to take this precious 12 months of freedom from the shackles of capitalism and revel in it. Not necessarily in a hedonistic way, but in a way that truly fills my soul. I've felt so lifeless for so many years. A dry husk, a withered empty plastic bag.
Maybe that's how I frame this year. My only focus, my only goal, is to do things that fill my heart up. Have experiences that bring back some of the excitement about life. Be uncomfortable in ways that drag that grouchy, grumpy, comfort-obsessed old lady out of her zone and make her work for it.
I've played life really safe, for all that I've done some travelling, and taken some chances. I generally don't make too many leaps of faith or decide only on my emotions. Frankly, I rarely let my emotions do much deciding for me at all (except for anger, which I've let make bad choices for me in the past). I wonder what it would be like to actually choose to do something just because it felt good? No thoughts to what the right thing is, or the correct choice. Who care about what people will say or (god-forbid) my mother will think. I bet this is a skill I have to practice. I wonder if a year is long enough to master it?