Little league evokes thoughts of early summer afternoons, young boys and girls in dirt-stained uniforms sponsored by the local hardware store and cheering happy family members! In reality though, particularly with the advent of Club sports (private, high priced tutelage for the parents of children who have fantasies of being mom and dad to the next Shohei Ohtani or Caitlin Clark), little league has become a raucous hellscape of collective madness! If one is unlucky enough to have a child who would like to participate in this contemporary “fun-filled extracurricular activity”, there are a number of insightful tips that can help one navigate this experience.
1.) Volunteer- That’s right! Volunteerism is back in style!! At least, it’s back in style in Parks & Recreation Little League. We don’t have the CASH to pay for competent officials and coaches (I mean no disrespect to any volunteer coaches or officials. My daughters’ coaches are great, and I myself umpire Minor softball games), so hurry hurry parents, grandparents, energetic aunts and uncles, unemployed teenagers! Step right up, jump right in, and get yourself a generous helping of ingratitude and abuse from the smiling and spirited community of baseball/softball families! Regardless, you will usually get a rebate on the price of your child’s participation fee, and SNACKS!!!
2.) Seating- Sit as far away from opposing teams’ families as is humanly possible. This tactic may nip in the bud any conflict before fistfights erupt. By sitting a distance from the opposing teams’ families, there is less opportunity to overhear the rude and thoughtless comments and opinions spoken about one’s child. Now, when your child’s own teammates’ families make rude, inappropriate comments about your child, there are only a handful of things to be done about it: A) Grin and bear it. B) Eyeball them openly with silent scorn. C) Scream obscenities at them. D) Put in earbuds. My wife chooses option A or B, I usually choose option C or D.
3.) Spiritual Practice- Think of Little League season as that opportunity to take up the practice of some esoteric spiritual exercise you’ve been putting off. For westerners, this may mean Tantric yoga, or Transcendental Buddhism, or the quiet violence of Tang Soo Do. There may even come a time in the near future when we witness a circle of parents: tattooed and pierced 45-year-old mothers, skinny-jeaned and nostalgic hipster 60-year-old fathers, green and fuchsia haired grandparents, all in right-field during team warmups, practicing magickal Tai chi. If eastern mystical, meditative practices are not your cup of green tea, there is always the western forms of spiritual practice: pharmaceuticals, vaporizers loaded with cannabis oil, and my personal go-to, a walk around the block with a cigarette.
4.) Don’t Get (Too) Drunk- You, dear reader, may be thinking to yourself, “Now what kinda loser would be such a slob as to drink excessively at a youth sporting event, especially at 9am?!” I am not in the moral position to address this legitimate question with regards to ethical behavior or civic responsibility, but I do think I can address it in a more pragmatic fashion, which is the mindset one should take in any question around youth sports. First, I would say there are parents who suffer from acute general anxiety, or they are afflicted with intense social discomfort. The ease and relief that comes with, let’s say, a glass of wine, or a can of beer, is an effective means of handling these unfortunate conditions. With that being said, oftentimes, this same group of parents, having every good intention at heart, may, after having a glass of wine or can of beer, feel the pressures to move quickly (because you’re always running late with youth sports!). In response they bust out that fresh fifth of vodka in order to hurry along the process of anesthetization that they are so desperately pursuing. Which leads us back to the original premise of this section, do not get (too) drunk. The only recommendation I can offer is, stick with beer or wine. Most youth sports before high school are fairly truncated events and only last an hour or two (Two hours is the most common length of time for baseball and softball. They play 4-6 innings, depending on their age and fortitude.). It’s a really good idea to save the hard stuff for college and professional sports only.
5.) Skip the Whole Shit Show!!- That’s right, you heard me, just don’t go! Make some extra cash and work overtime, or, barring the opportunity to work extra, just lie like an accused thief and say you have to go to work. This is really not as pathetic as it sounds, and it offers your child a reprieve from your own criticism, chatty encouragement, short-sighted judgement and general disinterest in youth sports altogether. Believe me, your child WILL SURVIVE if you don’t make it to every one of their freaking games! As a matter of fact, by the time they reach middle school, they may be making this recommendation to you as well. Currently, as I write this, it is basketball season, and of course, both my daughters play. Well, you should see my 13-year olds’ eyes light up when I tell her with a beaten, downtrodden air, “I’m sorry honey, I can’t make your game Saturday, I have to work. I’m so sorry.” She will look at me with her bright eyes and trace of a wide smile and say, “That’s ok dad, I don’t want you to come to my game anyway! You embarrass me and mom with your antics!!” At which point, I will act deeply hurt and proclaim incredulously, “C’mon!!! Really?! You don’t care if I come to your game or not?” “Nope. Actually, I want you to go to work and make money.” “Okay honey, if that’s what you really want…” See? Win win.
In closing, you perhaps now see how simple it can be to get along well at Little League, or any youth sport for that matter. With grit and ingenuity, you can really fall in love with, and even enjoy, youth sports. Try to not get caught though lying to your child about working. They get really upset if you’re not making that time and a half to go get pizza and ice cream after the game!