May | Seeing My True Self Again
May was a precious month.
01 Growth
The flowers are in full bloom.
Earlier this month, I bought a pot of petunias. At first, they looked like this:
Then, under the bright sunshine, they exploded into growth and color:
Do you remember the tiny sprout of the calla lily after its winter dormancy?
Now it has grown this much:
May brought dramatic shifts in temperature. We seemed to move straight from winter into summer, with some days climbing above 30°C (86°F). L even started talking about buying an air conditioner.
Recently, though, the weather has cooled down again.
02 External Forces
Because I had been somewhat scattered in April, I intentionally structured May to be fuller and more focused.
I chose to let external forces help restore my rhythm and productivity. As a result, I had joined three different communities (one of them lasted only a week).
In a Tao Te Ching Career Transition Support Camp, Xiaoyin designed a series of thoughtful and unexpected writing prompts that sparked my desire to express myself. Small points of stimulation ended up creating changes far beyond the original exercises.
There were also beautiful moments of resonance:
One program included calligraphy practice. I didn’t even know that was part of it when I joined. It felt surprisingly meaningful, as though I were reconnecting with my elementary-school self.
While writing, we observed our breathing, thoughts, habits, and inner patterns with unusual subtlety. Even more interesting was the realization that there are people willing to spend time on something as simple as handwriting in order to understand themselves more deeply. And we truly do discover things.
I also joined the WeGlow Awareness Journaling Program. There, Mandy saw through some of the issues in my current state with remarkable clarity, especially the inner critic beneath them, and the places where self-love and self-acceptance were still lacking.
I was genuinely surprised. I thought I had already done this work. I had been approaching these topics from the perspective of someone who had already gone through them, only to find myself suddenly stripped of that certainty.
My ego experienced a noticeable tremor. This wasn’t the first time. In fact, moments like these often become the doorway to my next stage of growth.
Afterward, I could feel a clear shift in my inner state: the old patterns and the eager inner critic quietly retreated, while a steadier and more grounded strength began to emerge.
03 Community as a Place of Practice
This month made something very clear to me:
Community is my place of practice.
Within my own field and familiar circles, I am naturally calm and at ease.
But in the WeGlow community, I unconsciously stepped into the role of a student — a role my old self knows extremely well. The instinct to become a “good student” immediately awakened. With that role came expectations, responsibilities, and standards. Old patterns resurfaced.
I reflected honestly on judgment in my article A Letter to My Inner Critic.
But the roots of self-judgment often run deeper than we imagine. I increasingly feel that these patterns are woven into the philosophies of our parents and the people around us. From early childhood, they become embedded in the deepest layers of our perception.
Removing them completely is difficult. But when the voice of self-criticism appears, when comparison begins to arise, I try to smile and respond:
“Oh, really? Thanks. Bye.”
And then, once again, return my attention to the present version of myself.
I am good. You are good. May we simply appreciate ourselves, become ourselves, and fully be ourselves.
04 The Answer Is Within
This month, I chose participation. I chose to complete assignments and engage with the programs I joined. It was a kind of voluntary passivity, allowing external structures to guide and discipline me. External forces are often necessary. They can help awaken our inner strength.
But they should never become the center. The center must remain firmly anchored within ourselves.
That was one of my biggest lessons this month.
Let myself remain the primary reference point, and choose consciously. Keep what serves me. Release what doesn’t. The practices that leave me feeling calmer, more grounded, more present, and more at ease — I should do more of those. The things that don’t resonate? Let them go.
Pay more attention to my own feelings than to everyone else’s. Sometimes caring for others comes from love and responsibility. But in group settings, it’s important not to unconsciously take on roles that don’t belong to us, or fall into the trap of seeking approval and validation.
Otherwise, we lose what The Courage to Be Disliked calls freedom.
There is no need for extra burdens. No need for unnecessary mental noise.
Strength grows from within, and it does not come from anywhere outside of ourselves.
05 Pride
This month, I clearly saw my pride.
And increasingly, I believe that my true self exists somewhere within it.
I still remember the child I once was: outgoing, energetic, fearless, and full of confidence. Whenever I meet people who are lively, direct, and expressive, I often catch glimpses of who I used to be. But over the years, through moral expectations, social evaluation, and environmental conditioning, much of that healthy life force was gradually suppressed.
I’m wondering whether I can bring it back.
I’ve started to distinguish between two kinds of pride.
The first is pride rooted in comparison. It carries judgment. It reflects my own projections and insecurities. That kind of pride is worth releasing.
The second is pride connected to the true self. That kind deserves to shine. It is simply life expanding according to its nature.
Two years ago, I once wrote: “I’ve been given the role of the great villain.” Now it feels as though I’ve finally thrown that role away.
Even writing this moves me deeply. I think it deserves an article of its own.
06 Expression
I still didn’t post much on social media this month. Most of what I shared were my own articles.
Sometimes it was simply a matter of timing. By the time I thought about posting, it already felt too late in Beijing Time.
This month, across my two WeChat public channels, I published seven pieces in total — five articles and two photo essays. I actually counted them just now and surprised myself. It’s the most productive I’ve ever been. And I love this pace.
Among the articles:
- Naming Is Dimensional Reduction
- Other Ways of Looking at “Naming Is Dimensional Reduction”
- Those “Terrible” Parents: On Intergenerational Relationships
- Two Dimensions of Self-Love
- The First Generation of Fully Educated Women Has Only Just Grown Up
I also published five posts on Xiaohongshu (Rednote).
My English practice continues.
The biggest thing I neglected this month was organizing photos and videos.
07 Travel
We visited Antwerp and officially unlocked Belgium. 🔓
To be honest, it didn’t really feel like I had entered a different country. In many ways it felt quite similar to the Netherlands — the same supermarket chains, the same rhythms of daily life.
Once I’ve sorted through the photos and videos, I’ll share more.
It’s a lovely city, and definitely worth visiting again.
08 Life
May included two public holidays. L had two stretches of four or five consecutive days off, without affecting his regular weekends. This kind of schedule would probably be a dream for many overworked office workers back in China.
Things have become busier recently, though.
We barely exercised during the second half of the month. L, on the other hand, has already lost six kilograms, which is fantastic.
We also rearranged some furniture and made the apartment feel much more spacious.
We bought a new refrigerator. And then something unexpectedly wonderful happened:
The delivery team agreed to take away our broken washing machine. This was genuinely exciting. Getting rid of large household items in the Netherlands can be surprisingly difficult. Usually you either pay for municipal pickup or transport them yourself to a recycling center outside the city. Either option can easily cost €80 or more.
The washing machine had been occupying that corner of the apartment for ages. So I’m grateful I kept negotiating with customer service, and grateful to the two delivery workers who were willing to help. Everything worked out perfectly.
Oh, and this was my birthday month. In the lunar calendar, my birthday falls during the beautiful season often called “April in the Human World.”
We had a lovely breakfast at a café in the city center.
After picking up my birthday cake, we were stopped by a photographer on the street for an impromptu photoshoot (we had actually dressed up a little that day). Later, I joined an online community gathering that turned out to be deeply meaningful, and everyone sang Happy Birthday to me.
It was a beautiful day.
(The cake I designed myself — the idea was L’s)
Not every day is clear, conscious, or creative.
Most of the time, we’re occupied by other things.
We’re busy with work.
We reward ourselves after work.
We scroll through our phones.
We watch short videos.
We live by habit.
We live in distraction.
We live with less awareness than we realize.
Rarely do we truly stop, return to the present moment, care for ourselves, and enter into a deeper conversation with our own inner world.
Rarely do we enter the space where awareness becomes creation.
That is why May feels so precious.
And so does this very moment.
Written on June 2–3.
©ChristianaYu, All rights reserved